The following are pictorial representations of Gab Bonesso's mind as drawn by Gab Bonesso:
A scene...
From Albee's...
Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf...
NICK
(Indicating the abstract painting)
Who... who did the... ?
MARTHA
That? Oh, that's by...
GEORGE
... some Greek with a mustache Martha attacked one night in...
HONEY
(To save the situation)
Oh, ho, ho, ho, HO.
NICK
It's got a ... a ...
GEORGE
A quiet intensity?
NICK
Well, no... a ...
GEORGE
Oh. (Pause) Well, then, a certain noisy relaxed quality, maybe?
NICK
(Knows what GEORGE is doing, but stays grimly, coolly polite)
No. What I meant was...
GEORGE
How about... uh ... a quietly noisy relaxed intensity.
HONEY
Dear! You're being joshed.
NICK
(cold)
I'm aware of that.
(A brief awkward silence.)
And now...
It's time...
For a video!
And now...
It's that time in the program...
For your favorite gang of friends...
The Adventures of Phineas (the Shark), Mrs. Palfrey (of the Claremont) and Gab!
Today's episode:
THE MAILBOX
MOM
(yelling from upstairs)
Gab! Will you check the mail?
GAB
(yelling from downstairs)
No! What about the stink bugs?!!
MOM
(yelling from upstairs)
I don't care. I need my social security check to buy you toys!
GAB
(to herself)
TOYS!!!! Zoinks!
Gab begins to run in place like a cartoon character. Steam is blowing out of her ears. A sound omits from her mouth that can only be described as Daffy Duck speaking in tongues. She passes out on the floor. Motionless. Mrs. Palfrey and Phineas enter the room. They stand above Gab's body. Mrs. Palfrey is eating Planters Peanuts out of a can. Phineas is covered in paint.
PHINEAS (THE SHARK)
Oh my God! What happened to her?
MRS. PALFREY
(cold)
Perhaps she's dead.
PHINEAS (THE SHARK)
(checks her pulse)
Nope. She's alive.
MRS. PALFREY
(cool and collected)
Is she carrying any money?
PHINEAS (THE SHARK)
(checks her purse)
Nope. Only Monopoly money.
MRS. PALFREY
(angry)
Goddammit! I need cigs!
PHINEAS (THE SHARK)
Maybe we should throw cold water on her face?
MRS. PALFREY
What about peanuts?
PHINEAS (THE SHARK)
(thinks for a moment)
Okay. Try it.
Mrs. Palfrey dumps the can of Planter's peanuts on Gab's face. Oddly and almost coincidentally the peanuts stick to Gab's face in the exact shape of a beard. It's almost uncanny how much the peanuts cause her to look like a lumberjack. Phineas and Mrs. Palfrey (both stoned) start laughing like maniacs.
MRS. PALFREY
(stops laughing abruptly)
You know? It is too bad that she's not actually dead.
PHINEAS (THE SHARK)
(shocked and uneasy at Mrs. Palfrey's statement)
Excuse me? That's my best friend that you are talking about.
MRS. PALFREY
No. I know. She's my best friend too. It's just... Well, if Gab died then you and I would be free to go wherever we wish and do whatever we want to do. Her death equals our freedom. She's our "Godot".
PHINEAS (THE SHARK)
(confused and frustrated)
I'm not sure what you mean, but I think we should stop talking and just wait for her to come back.
MRS. PALFREY
(satisfied)
Of course you do. We'll wait by her corpse. Just like yesterday. And the day before yesterday. And the day...(voice fades)
Lights Fade
End Scene
Don't forget to find me on...
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