today

Gab and Phineas: A LOVE/HATE STORY

one woman show (opening six)

Theme Song + LIVE Seated Reading!

The Imaginary Reality of Gab Bonesso Theme Song was written/performed by:
Gab Bonesso and Gab Bonesso's iPhone.

Book Club: A Seated Reading starring:

Stephanie Rex as Mrs. Palfrey
Tami Dixon as Gab Bonesso
Gab Bonesso as Phineas (the shark)
Dustin Wickett as The Stage Manager/GOD

For more information on Gab Bonesso visit:

Gab's Website
Gab's Blog
Gab's Tumblr
Gab's Twitter
Gab's Facebook
Gab's YouTube

COLLEGE REUNION - A NEW PLAY! Starring: Nelly (the rapper)!

College Reunion

By: Gab Bonesso, Phineas (the Shark) and Mrs. Palfrey (the Claremont)

Scene one: Gab’s bedroom. Gab is rushing around cleaning the room as though company is about to arrive. Mrs. Palfrey is laying in Gab’s bed naked reading a Martha Stewart Living Magazine from the 1990’s. Phineas is in the corner of the room seated at an imaginary card table. He is playing Texas Hold Em’ with Lady Gaga, Peter Falk and Gab’s father (who is a ghost).

MRS PALFREY

(to Gab)

What the Hell is your problem?

GAB

I don’t have a problem.

PHINEAS

Could you ladies shut your pie holes?!! Me and the boys are playin’ cards at my new card table.

GAB

What about Lady Gaga?

LADY GAGA

Who are you calling a lady?

(Gab walks over to Mrs. Palfrey and throws a robe over her face.)

GAB

Put that on. We have a guest coming.

PHINEAS

Aww, hell nah brah!

GAB

Oh. Hell yes. Brah...ther?

LADY GAGA

Who’s coming? I was not told anyone would be coming. 

GAB

My guest is only the most important person to me from my four years in college.

MRS PALFREY

Oh, is it your college best friend Moira?

GAB

Nope.

PHINEAS

Is it your mentor Dr. Thornton?

GAB

Nope.

LADY GAGA

Oh… For piss sake. WHO? Who is coming over to this shitty, childhood bedroom that smells of nasal spray and toots?!!

GAB

Nelly!

LADY GAGA

Nelly who?

GAB

“Nelly who?” Phineas. KICK IT!

(Suddenly Phineas flips over his imaginary card table and reveals his imaginary DJ equipment. He pulls out Nelly’s “Hot in Here” on vinyl and drops a needle on that shiz. The song begins to play and Phineas, Mrs. Palfrey and Gab begin to dance a clearly, choreographed routine. When the song ends, Lady Gaga stands up. Tears dripping from the corners of her heavily made-up eyes streak down the foundation cake covering her naturally non-descriptive face. She applauds and then without reason jumps out of a second-story window. The lights fade.)

Scene Two: The left corner area of Gab’s bedroom. Phineas, Mrs. Palfrey, Gab and Nelly are all seated at a coffee table built for children or elves. They are all drinking imaginary green tea and eating real finger sandwiches. Gab’s mom just whipped up a batch of ham salad and smeared that shiz on crostinis. Nelly seems pissed.

MRS PALFREY

What’s with the frown, Mr. Nelly?

PHINEAS

It’s just Nelly, you old fool!

MRS PALFREY

Who are you calling old? I recall at your last birthday party Gab and I sticking over 400 birthday candles into your Morningstar tuna steak!

PHINEAS

Yeah, but shark years are different than characters from direct to video movie years. I’m like a five year old compared to your old, British, fictional ass!

GAB

(pulling at her shirt collar)

Yikes, Nelly. I don’t know about you but shiz is “getting hot in herrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre”. (there is an excruciating long, awkward pause.  Gab clears her throat and asks.) More ham salad, Nelly?

(BLACKOUT)

Scene Three: Gab, Phineas and Mrs. Palfrey are backstage during Nelly’s performance at Madison Square Garden in NYC. Gab is wearing a Run DMC shirt, Mrs. Palfrey is wearing a trench coat and pearls (nothing more) and Phineas is wearing a bow tie. They are all awkwardly seated on a very small love-seat located in Nelly’s green room. There are other people in the green room. People much cooler and much more urban than Gab, Phineas and Mrs. Palfrey. A man called Leroy pulls out a water bong and begins to pass it around. Gab, unsure how to handle the situation, drops it on the ground so that it shatters into thousands and millions of pieces. Leroy yelps, runs over to the shattered glass and begins to scream.

LEROY

What the hell is your problem? That was Nelly’s favorite GD bong. He got that on his fifth honeymoon in Vegas. He’s going to kill you. How in the hell are you going to fix this?

GAB

(terrified and feeling very white)

It’s just that, umm, my mom doesn’t like us to be around drugs… (her voice begins to trail off because when she gets scared she mumbles).

LEROY

Your mom what?

GAB

(Gab speaks but it is inaudible. Like the grown-ups from Peanuts cartoons)

WAHWAHWAHWAHWAH.

(At this point, Phineas and Mrs. Palfrey both know what needs to be done. They look at one another and without missing a beat Phineas floats over and locks the green room door. He immediately presses his back dorsal fin against the closed door as though to block anyone from exiting. Mrs. Palfrey rips open her trench coat to reveal both the loveliest string of pearls around her neck and her duo of shotguns that she has now pulled out of her trench coat and is aiming them both at Leroy. Palfrey screams.)

MRS PALFREY

(quoting a line from the motion picture Pulp Fiction)

Don’t anybody move this is a robbery!

PHINEAS

No it aint! This is a mother-fucking drug bust! Get your hands, fins or whatever up before I fill you full of lead!

LEROY

(chuckling)

We’re supposed to believe that you losers are DEA?!!! Now that shit is funny.

(Gab who is still silently standing over shards of broken bong glass finally looks up and speaks to Leroy.)

GAB

No, we’re not DEA. We are DEAD.

LEROY

That spells dead, you idiot.

GAB

We know. (suddenly speaking in a child’s voice) We want you to join us, Leroy.

(At this point Phineas, Mrs. Palfrey and Gab start laughing in a weird, evil, hysterical sort of way. Then each of them points their guns at Leroy and within seconds, Leroy looks very similar to swiss cheese. The lights fade.)

Scene Four: Nelly is walking off of stage after delivering the performance of his career. His agent passes him in the hallway and screams, “This is going to be YOUR year!”. Nelly rounds the corner and opens the door to his green room. Leroy and a bunch of other men are scattered all over the room dead. Each one is filled with hundreds of bullet holes. Nelly looks around the room. He catches his reflection in a mirror. He lowers his eyes to his vanity. Seeing a box of Hello Kitty bandaids, he grabs it and opens the box. He pulls out the first bandaid and sticks it on his cheek.

NELLY

This one is for Leroy.

(He pulls out another bandaid and sticks it to his opposite cheek.)

NELLY

This one is for Herb.

(He pulls out another bandaid and sticks it to his nose.)

NELLY

This one is for Doktor 7.

(He continues to do this for all 17 corpses. By the end of this process, his entire face is covered in Hello Kitty bandaids. And for the first time in his life, he looks normal. BLACKOUT.)

THE END

FIND GAB ON OTHER NEW MEDIA SITES:

GAB'S YOUTUBE CHANNEL

GAB'S TWITTER FEED

GAB'S FACEBOOK PAGE

GAB'S TUMBLR 

Book Club

Book Club

by: Gab, Phineas and Mrs. Palfrey

starring: Gab, Phineas, Mrs. Palfrey and the cast of the motion picture: The Shining

ACT ONE

Scene One

A basement. Gab, Phineas and Mrs. Palfrey are standing in a circle. All three are wearing jeans and "wife-beater" tank tops. They are barefoot. Well, except for Phineas. Technically he does not have feet.

Phineas

Do you know the first rule about book club?

Gab

Umm, yeah. Isn't it that you have to read the whole book?

Phineas punches Gab in the throat. She drops to the ground and begins to cough blood.

Phineas

Wrong! It's that you never, ever, EVER talk about book club! Got it?!!

Gab

(blood dripping out of her mouth)

But... How can we have a book club if we can't talk about the book?

Phineas pulls a shiv out of the right, back pocket of his Levis and stabs Gab directly in the center of her thigh. Gab's skin loses it's color as she falls to the ground. Mrs. Palfrey walks over to Gab's body. She shakes her head. She looks at Phineas

Mrs. Palfrey

(reaching out her hand)

Give me the shiv.

Phineas

But...

Mrs. Palfrey

(Shouting in that way when spit flies from her mouth while tiny tears drip from her eyes)

Give me the goddamn shiv before I break off your dorsal fin and gut you with it!!!!!!

Phineas

(handing Mrs. Palfrey the shiv)

Okay.

Gab begins to mumble. She's groaning and starting to writhe on the floor.

Mrs. Palfrey

(looking at Gab in disgust)

Goddammit. Look at what you've done now. You better clean up this mess!

Gab

(barely conscious)

I hear... I hear...(voice fading)

Mrs. Palfrey

(holding the shiv as though she were about to stab Phineas)

CLEAN UP THIS MESS RIGHT NOW!!!!

Gab

(weak, confused)

ringing.... I hear ringing.

Mrs. Palfrey

(diabolical)

KILL HER NOW!!!!

Phineas

(his eyes suddenly become strange)

Come on now dear chum. It's time for Phineas to eat up, I mean, clean up your BLOOD!

Phineas proceeds to bite into Gab's flesh. Ripping her legs and arms completely off of her body. Blood spilling every where while Gab mumbles about ringing. Mrs. Palfrey puts a Rachmaninoff album on a victrola located in the corner of the basement. Dry ice begins to waft from the ground up. The lights fade.

Scene Two

Gab is waking up from a terrible nightmare as her alarm on her iPhone both rings and plays her favorite piece by Rachmaninoff. She rips off her covers and awakens from a terrible nightmare. She is dripping wet with sweat. She looks around her bedroom. Mrs. Palfrey is passed out on her couch holding a brandy bottle as per always. Phineas is sound asleep in his hammock in the corner of the room. Gab sighs. Realizing that it was all a dream. Suddenly there is a knock on her bedroom door.

Mrs. Palfrey

(groggy and hung-over)

What the hell?

Gab

(shouting from her bed)

Come on in!

Jack Nicholson, Shelley Duval, Danny Lloyd and Scatman Carothers enter Gab's bedroom. At this point, Phineas wakes up.

Phineas

Uh oh...

Jack Nicholson

Gabby? Darling? Light of my life! 

Gab, Phineas and Mrs. Palfrey all look at one another, they each slap their hands against their face a la Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone and in unison scream.

Gab, Phinny, Mrs. Palfrey

REDRUM!!!!!!!

Blackout.

Scene Three

Gab, Phineas and Mrs. Palfrey are all seated in a hotel lobby. Each is holding a copy of Stephen King's The Shining. Each are wearing their Sunday best. There is a small easel holding a poster board which simply reads: Book Club. Phineas leads the discussion.

Phineas

(smoking a pipe. bubbles not crack.)

I enjoyed the symbolism of the wasps and the wasp nest. It really tied the entire piece together for me. How about you Mrs. Palfrey?

Mrs. Palfrey

(playing with her pearl necklace and drinking an old-fashioned)

I hate American authors. However this book reminded me of the year I spent in Vermont trying to be a lesbian. Operative word: TRYING. God... I thought men were a handful. Women! Blah! 

Phineas

(confused by her response)

Okay. Not really anything to do with the book, but thanks for sharing. Gab? What did you like most about the book?

Gab

I think Danny was the killer.

Mrs. Palfrey

(now slurring her words)

Thanks for ruining the ending for me!

Phineas

(pissed off)

You were supposed to have finished the book already! (to Gab) What do you mean you think Danny is the killer? How could he be the killer? The hotel was haunted with evil spirits. Why are you blaming the little boy?!!!

Gab

(angry)

You can't tell me how to interpret art!

Gab's statement hits Phineas like a ton of bricks. He suddenly becomes withdrawn and extremely self-aware. His eyes well up with tears. He is filled with sorrow, regret and self-disappoinment.  After an excruciatingly long pause he finally speaks.

Phineas

(humbled)

You're right.

The lights fade as Rachmaninoff's Piano Concerto Number Two is played in the background.

End Scene.

If you would like to be a part of Gab's "virtual" life then check out the links below. Yo.

Gab on Facebook
Gab on Twitter
Gab on YouTube
Gab on TUMBLR
Listen/Subscribe to Gab's podcast on iTunes
Gab's Weekly Column for AOL - PATCH

Tomorrow Night at 8PM!!!!!
PHASE ONE OF "CRAZY POWER" COMEDY!!!!!

Life is Good

The following are pictorial representations of Gab Bonesso's mind as drawn by Gab Bonesso:

And now...
A scene...
From Albee's...
Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf...

NICK

(Indicating the abstract painting)

Who... who did the... ?

MARTHA

That? Oh, that's by...

GEORGE

... some Greek with a mustache Martha attacked one night in...

HONEY

(To save the situation)

Oh, ho, ho, ho, HO.

NICK

It's got a ... a ...

GEORGE

A quiet intensity?

NICK

Well, no... a ...

GEORGE

Oh. (Pause) Well, then, a certain noisy relaxed quality, maybe?

NICK

(Knows what GEORGE is doing, but stays grimly, coolly polite)

No. What I  meant was...

GEORGE

How about... uh ... a quietly noisy relaxed intensity.

HONEY

Dear! You're being joshed.

NICK

(cold)

I'm aware of that.

(A brief awkward silence.)

And now...

It's time...

For a video!

And now...
It's that time in the program...
For your favorite gang of friends...

The Adventures of Phineas (the Shark), Mrs. Palfrey (of the Claremont) and Gab!

Today's episode: 

THE MAILBOX

MOM

(yelling from upstairs)

Gab! Will you check the mail?

GAB

(yelling from downstairs)

No! What about the stink bugs?!!

MOM

(yelling from upstairs)

I don't care. I need my social security check to buy you toys!

GAB

(to herself)

TOYS!!!! Zoinks!

Gab begins to run in place like a cartoon character. Steam is  blowing out of her ears.  A sound omits from her mouth that can only be described as Daffy Duck speaking in tongues. She passes out on the floor. Motionless. Mrs. Palfrey and Phineas enter the room. They stand above Gab's body. Mrs. Palfrey is eating Planters Peanuts out of a can. Phineas is covered in paint.

PHINEAS (THE SHARK)

Oh my God! What happened to her?

MRS. PALFREY

(cold)

Perhaps she's dead.

PHINEAS (THE SHARK)

(checks her pulse)

Nope. She's alive.

MRS. PALFREY

(cool and collected)

Is she carrying any money?

PHINEAS (THE SHARK)

(checks her purse)

Nope. Only Monopoly money.

MRS. PALFREY

(angry)

Goddammit! I need cigs!

PHINEAS (THE SHARK)

Maybe we should throw cold water on her face?

MRS. PALFREY

 What about peanuts?

PHINEAS (THE SHARK)

(thinks for a moment)

Okay. Try it.

Mrs. Palfrey dumps the can of Planter's peanuts on Gab's face. Oddly and almost coincidentally the peanuts stick to Gab's face in the exact shape of a beard. It's almost uncanny how much the peanuts cause her to look like a lumberjack. Phineas and Mrs. Palfrey (both stoned) start laughing like maniacs.

MRS. PALFREY

(stops laughing abruptly)

You know? It is too bad that she's not actually dead.

PHINEAS (THE SHARK)

(shocked and uneasy at Mrs. Palfrey's statement)

Excuse me? That's my best friend that you are talking about.

MRS. PALFREY

No. I know. She's my best friend too. It's just... Well, if Gab died then you and I would be free to go wherever we wish and do whatever we want to do. Her death equals our freedom. She's our "Godot".

PHINEAS (THE SHARK)

(confused and frustrated)

I'm not sure what you mean, but I think we should stop talking and just wait for her to come back.

MRS. PALFREY

(satisfied)

Of course you do. We'll wait by her corpse. Just like yesterday. And the day before yesterday. And the day...(voice fades)

Lights Fade

End Scene

NEXT COMEDY SHOW is SATURDAY, OCTOBER 1st at The Cabaret Theater (PGH) 10PM.

Don't forget to find me on...

YOUTUBE

TWITTER

FACEBOOK

TUMBLR