Never Forget (Raises fist to Heaven)

First things first...

I am obsessed with movies. OBSESSED.

In fact, it's more than a mere obsession. I have been known to confuse reality with certain films. I spent most of my early twenties believing that I was Max Fischer (a character from Wes Anderson's film: Rushmore).

For the better part of last year, I was convinced that I was Sandra Bullock's character from The Blind Side.

Except, instead of bringing home a 17-year old, black, football player... I brought home a 47 year old, black homeless man named Carlos. I found him behind a dumpster. I brought him home. Gave a him a place to sleep. I had Phineas practice running drills with him in the backyard. I would encourage him by saying things like, "Carlos, life will get better. This country is improving. I heard they're letting hobo's get married in, like, five different states now! Don't you dare lie to me!"

This is what Carlos looks like:

If you happen to see him, can you please tell him to call his Mama. We haven't seen him since we found him snorting Palfrey's birth control pills. Phineas overreacted and bit Carlos in the ass bum. Carlos ran out of the house carrying nothing but my mom's TV, Mrs. Palfrey's purse and Phineas' oxygen tank and he was never heard from again.

Anyway, we've strayed off course.

Today, I want to talk about the motion picture: Arthur (1981, starring: Dudley Moore).

To me, it is easily one of the greatest comedic films ever produced. Dudley Moore was brilliant as the lovable, out-of-control, filthy rich, constantly inebriated Arthur. BRILLIANT. Exceptionally funny. His performance could be construed as "genius". Seriously. Phinny thinks so too!

In fact, a little organization that you may of heard of thinks the same as me. The American Film Institute ranked Arthur #53 on their list of America's 100 Funniest Movies.

Not too shabby, eh?

So can someone please explain to me why on God's (soon to implode) Earth is Russell Brand attempting to re-create this role made famous by Dudley Moore?!!! Why?!!! Why?!!! WHY?!!!!

I mean, seriously, people. Russell Brand is a well-known stand-up comedian. A man who is capable of writing original, funny material. Why is he recycling someone else's greatest role? A role that NEVER should have been revived.

I just don't "get it".

I know that I take movies too seriously. I know. So what? So what if my feelings regarding the original Arthur (the ONLY Arthur in my mind) are similar to the way most folks feel about Ground Zero in NYC? You can't forget 9-11! Well, I can't forget that Dudley Moore is Arthur! Okay?!! I just can't. No amount of Helen Miren can fix the injustice that has been committed.

I guess I just find some things sacred...

I promise you that if I ever get the opportunity to appear in major motion pictures, I will never star in a remake of Ellen DeGeneres' Mr. Wrong. NEVER. EVER. EVAH.

I'm my own person, dammit!

I just wish Russell Brand was his own person too.

Instead of being Katy Perry's @#tch!

Aww SNAP!

As always...

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Peace-out kids! Palfrey is going to drive us through the park. You know how Phineas and I love North Park...

Phineas' Dark Secret

In order to be best friends with Phineas (the shark), there are certain dark truths one must get past in order to function in a working relationship. I accepted years ago his love for pregnant black women and his hatred for jello. I've endured his bouts with vegetarianism, anti-semitism, proletarianism and worst of all, his smoking. He can't play the piano yet constantly insists on trying. He claims to love fishing but cries each time we pierce a worm with a hook. All in all, Phineas is jerk. But, he's my jerk. (chokes up) I don't know what I would do without him.

It was three weeks ago when Phineas sat me down to confess his new dirty secret. He told me that while I have been going to my NBC's Community Support Group on Wednesday nights, he's been staying home watching Season Ten of American Idol.

Un-freaking-acceptable!

We promised each other... PINKY promised each other that when Adam Lambert lost Season 8 we were BOTH finished watching that program. It was a team boycott. Team Adam. What the hell, man?

Phineas informed me that I had to start watching the show because there was a contestant who reminded him of Samuel L. Jackson's character in the Spike Lee classic "Jungle Fever". The character I am referring to is Gator. He looked like this:

The contestant that Phineas was referring to is named Naima Adedapo and this is what she looks like:

I informed Phineas that he was a racist. Other than the fact that they are both black and that they both have "crack head teeth" there is no similarity between the two.

Phineas said, "Hold up, girl. Watch this!" and he cued up the first episode of AI on the DVR.



Naturally, I laughed out loud. That bitch be crazy. Then Phineas cued up Jungle Fever:



I was blown-away by the similarity. However, I felt that Naima's performance reminded me more of this classic scene from the movie Housesitter starring Goldie Hawn:



NAILED IT!

Regardless of the similarities, Naima was voted off of the show last night. Therefore there is no reason for Phineas to continue watching American Idol this season. HaHA! Sometimes God has my back.

In other news... I love the A&E show: HEAVY. Nothing makes me feel more "American" than watching HEAVY while eating an entire pack of Little Debbie Zebra cakes. (Cue: the Battle Hymn of the Republic.)

I had a last minute gig added tonight... I'm performing for a rotary club in Penn Hills. It felt appropriate to accept the gig. Especially after how vocal I've been about my hatred of touch tone phones. If you want to check it out it's at the Comfort Inn in Penn Hills at 7:30PM.

I have a show next Saturday as well:

As always...

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Thanks for your time,

Gab and Phineas