Midnight in Paris

Phinny, Mrs. Palfrey and I went to see Woody Allen’s: Midnight in Paris last weekend. I had already seen it once on a date with my “gentleman caller”, but the two lose-butts whom I call “best friends” had not.

Anyway, I knew that Phineas was going to hate the movie because the plot involved the subject of time-travel and Phineas hates unrealistic themes in film and literature. In fact, Phineas is quite the realist. He has a horrible imagination. It’s one of our daily arguments. He never plays action figures with me. He never recreates the “Micky” scene from Dirty Dancing with me.

Hell, he won’t even watch cartoons with me because he says they are nothing but fantasy. The guy is a square.

I knew Palfrey would love the film. Woody Allen is known for having a lot of pretentious references in his films. There is no one more pretentious that Sarah Palfrey. Trust and believe. That old bag… Go ahead. Ask her about Wordsworth. Ask her! She won’t shut up. She’s like the “Singing Bush” from the movie: The Three Amigos.

Except she’s not charming. And rather than singing incessantly, she quotes Wordsworth with that semi-noticeable speech impediment that she has.

God, I hate my friends.

Anyway, we got to the movie theater twenty minutes before the movie was scheduled to begin. I don’t like to miss the previews and Palfrey is a glutton for fake-buttery popcorn. Also, Phineas likes to lurk in the men’s room. That’s where he makes most of his “acquaintances”.

The movie theater was empty. I don’t know if it was because the new Justin Timberlake movie had just opened down the block or if it’s because we live in Pittsburgh which is full of anti-semites. Either way, we were glad to have the whole place to ourselves.

Mrs. Palfrey insisted that we sit close to the screen. She refuses to admit that she needs glasses and Phineas and I like to enable her in anyway we can. Just ask Phineas about the time Mrs. Palfrey wanted to see if she could still breast feed. That was the best night of cookies and milk that I ever had! Truth!

I’m pretty sure they were both drunk by the time the movie actually began. Phineas is notorious for being an alcoholic and Mrs. Palfrey calls bourbon her “cough syrup”. They were heckling the previews. They booed Owen Wilson’s name during the opening credits. Phineas had an accident. Mrs. Palfrey tried to get pregnant. Oh, and they both giggled incessantly each time I took a bite out of my nachos.

All in all, we had a really nice time.

When I asked them what they had thought of the movie they both laughed and called me a “nerd”. Then Phineas threw-up on my shoes.

The cab ride home was awkward. Mostly because none of us had any money, but also because it wasn’t a cab as much as it was a stolen car.

To say that Phineas and Mrs. Palfrey do f’ed up shiz when they’re drunk would be an understatement.

We parked the stolen car in the driveway of my enemy. Not that enemy. The other one.

We waited for a bus, but it’s Pittsburgh so it never came.

Finally, we walked home. They stumbled. I skipped.

As we entered our house, Mom yelled from the family room, “Jesus Christ! Why are you so late? I was worried sick!”

Without warning, Mrs. Palfrey began wailing like a maniac and tackled my mother.

Phineas began chanting, “Chick fight! Chick fight!”

I ignored them. Walked to my room. Popped an Ativan. Said my prayers.

Enter Sandman.

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NEXT SHOW:

Thursday, July 14th at Bricolage Theater at 8PM
Fundraiser for Planned Parenthood w/ Lizz Winstead