Pool Party! NOT FOR EVERYONE! Well, WHY NOT?!!

Pool Party! written by: Phineas (the shark)

NOT FOR EVERYONE! written by: Mrs. Sarah Palfrey (the claremont)

Well, WHY NOT?!! written by: Gab Bonesso M.D. (doctor of madness)

This upcoming Labor Day we are having a party. Scratch that. A POOL party (to be exact).

My mother has informed us (me, Phineas and Mrs. Palfrey) that we are only permitted to invite 5 guests a piece. Phineas has already tried to "trade me" for a few guest slots. Apparently, some of his vegan friends from the Co-Op have children and 5 guests is not enough to invite them AND their little monsters. I don't care. That is the price he pays for having (a) a job and (b) co-workers.

Speaking of co-workers, Mrs. Palfrey and I don't have any. So there.

Also, I hate people/sharks who feel compelled to invite "work" friends to "family" events. GROSS. Find some real friends, ASSHOLE.

Mom said that if we keep arguing over our guest lists then the party will be cancelled due to Hurricane Irene and God's wrath. No. Wait. Michelle Bachman said that, not Mom.

Speaking of Michelle Bachman...




Like I said... She's paranormal. Also, she will NOT be invited to our pool party.

Mrs. Palfrey just sent me a text message that reads: git'N'lucky.

God, I wish she were texting from the Casino... Alas.

Oh, I forgot to mention that I read an amazing book while I was on holiday. It's called: John McIntire's journal. RIVETING. I found it most enjoyable with a few cocktails in my system, but all in all, a very enjoyable, quick read.

Finally, I've mentioned in the past that I could potentially be a descendant of John Brown.

Well, recently while I was in New England I visited Brown University. (no relation) Well, I insisted that they meet with me (because I was convinced that we were related). They did not meet with me.  (i was wrong.) However, I walked around the campus and it reminded me of The Secret Garden:

Then I walked outside of The Secret Garden and I saw this:

NON-DAIRY SOFT SERVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Did I mention that I'm lactose intolerant?

As I walked out of the Secret Garden, a dream that I've had since my diagnosis in 1996 was there in front of me. I slowly approached the purple van and a wacky, hippy lady greeted me. She noticed that I seemed shocked. I explained that I had never seen non-dairy soft serve before yet I've dreamt of it forever. She told me that she is the ONLY non-dairy soft serve in the country!

Anyway, if you are lactose intolerant or a vegan like Phineas then you should check out:
www.like-no-udder.com

In the meantime... Visit me on:

FACEBOOK
TWITTER
YOUTUBE

You Wanna See a Show?!!!

Next Show is at the:

(4104 Penn Avenue)

More details:

The following are unreleased rap lyrics from Phinny's new album called: 

Vinyl, Son

"Yeah-uh. Unh.

Drop the beat.

Unh.

Drop it.

DROP IT!"

And now...

A journal entry from Sarah Palfrey...

Dear Diary,

Why am I still alive? I have to at least be 90 years old by now. I keep having that same dream in which Phineas' teeth fall out and then he can longer protect me from Gab's fits of violence or as her shrink calls them "rapid cycling mood swings". Regardless, I hope that you kill me before she does. She started drinking again. Strawberry milk. 3 times a day. Phineas and I warn her that she's lactose intolerant and it's just a matter of time before it kills her, but you know Gab. Or do you, diary? I'm not sure if I've properly introduced you to her. (Palfrey stands up and carries her diary to the first floor of the house. Gab is sitting on the couch wearing a wolverine t-shirt and rocket ship shorts. Mrs. Palfrey introduces Gab to her diary. They all chat. Gab's mom makes them tea and jam bread. Mrs. Palfrey returns to her room ready to begin writing again.) Well diary... That was Gab. She's not always that pleasant. She's nicest to strangers, children, elderly people (except me) and school supplies. You just caught her in a good mood. A&E was playing all her favorites: HEAVY, Dog the Bounty Hunter, Hoarders, Intervention, Billy the Exterminator and Criminal Minds. Diary, do you remember when Arts and Entertainment didn't involve bad reality programming? Me either... Well, diary that's all for today. I have to go back to hearing Phineas bitch about "Shark Week' and how it's "damaging to the image of his people". I live in a house of idiots.

Your dearest,

Sarah Palfrey (fictional character/friend/Claremont Resident)

AND NOW...

POEM OF THE WEEK w/ Gab and Phineas

As many of you know, we are starting a new feature here at The Imaginary Reality of Gab Bonesso entitled: POEM OF THE WEEK. Basically, Phinny and I have to agree on one poem per week that represents the plight of the black man, the white woman, the great white shark and old, imaginary ladies. This week's winner is entitled: Tightrope by Janelle Monae and Big Boi.

Monae and Leftfoot

Whoaaa
Another day
I take your pain away

Some people talk about ya
Like they know all about ya
When you get down they doubt ya
And when you tippin on the scene
Yeah they talkin' bout it
Cause they can't tip all on the scene with ya
Talk about it
T-t-t-talk bout it
When you get elevated,
They love it or they hate it
You dance up on them haters
Keep getting funky on the scene
While they jumpin' round ya
They trying to take all your dreams
But you can't allow it

Cause baby whether you're high or low
Whether you're high or low
You gotta tip on the tightrope
T-t-t-tip on the tightrope

Whether you're high or low
Baby whether you're high or low
You got to tip on the tightrope
Now let me see you do the tightrope
And I'm still tippin' on it

See I'm not walkin' on it
Or tryin to run around it
This ain't no acrobatics
You either follow or you lead, yeah
I'm talkin' bout you,
I'll keep on blaming the machine, yeah
I'm talkin' bout it,
T-t-t-talkin' bout it
I can't complain about it
I gotta keep my balance
And just keep dancin on it
We gettin funky on the scene
Yeah you know about it
Like a star on the screen
Watch me tip all on it

Then baby whether I'm high or low
Baby whether you're high or low
You gotta tip on the tightrope
Yeah, tip on the tightrope
Baby, baby, baby
Whether you're high or low
Baby whether you're high or low
Tip on the tightrope
Baby let me see you tight rope
And I'm still tippin' on it

Big Boi

You gotta keep your balance or you fall into the gap
It's a challenge but I manage cause I'm cautious with the strap
Do damage to your cabbage that a doctor cannot patch
See bot you don't want no friction like the back of a mathbook
Daddy Fat Stacks will fold you and your MacBook
Close shows, shut you down before we gon' go backwards
Act up, and whether we high or low we gonna get back-up
Like the Dow Jones and Nasdaq
Sorta like a thong in an butt crack
Come on

I tip on alligators and little rattle snakers
But I'm another flavor
Something like a terminator
Ain't no equivocating
I fight for what I believe
Why you talkin' bout it
S-s-she's talkin' bout it
Some callin me a sinner
Some callin me a winner
I'm callin you to dinner
And you know exactly what I mean
Yeah I'm talkin bout you
You can rock or you can leave
Watch me tip without you

N-N-Now whether I'm high or low
Whether I'm high or low
I'm gonna tip on the tightrope
Baby, baby, baby
Whether I'm high or low
High or low
I got to tip on the tightrope
Now baby tip on the tightrope

You can't get too high
I said you can't get too low
Cause you get too high
No you'll surely be low
1, 2, 3, Ho!

Yeah, yeah
Now shut up, yeah
Yeah, now put some voodoo on it
Ladies and gentlemen the funkiest horn section in Metropolis
Yeah, yeah, yeah, OH!
We call that classy brass

Do you mind?
If I play the ukulele
Just like a little lady
Do you mind?
If I play the ukulele
Just like a little lady
As I play the ukulele
If I play my ukulele
Just like a little lady

Both Janelle Monae and Big Boi will be receiving a ONE congratulatory email from the staff at The Imaginary Reality of Gab Bonesso. If you know a poet that you think we should know about because they speak on our level (i.e. idiotic) then please email us at: gab@gabbonesso.com or phineas@gabbonesso.com or you can call Sarah Palfrey at The Claremont (ext: 36).

Finally -

We will be taking a hiatus from this website for approximately two weeks. Phineas, Mrs. Palfrey and I have been asked to travel for business. We may be purchasing land out West. Like, the Parkway West area. I'm not sure if you've heard of it or not. Anyway, we won't be around because we'll be doing GROWN UP STUFF like buying property and drinking scotch and dancing naked in front of women in wells because we're going to wear their skin soon and stuff. THAT IS HOW WE DO! (Okay, the wearing skin stuff was a lie. It's from a movie. We're not going to do that. We were just trying to make a point that most serial killers are grown-ups and stuff. Man, now mom's mad at me...).

Don't forget the show tomorrow... 8PM Brillobox - $5 - Laughie Laughs and Jokie jokes galore!

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