Male, British Voice-over Dude:
Imagine if your brain were an entire universe unto itself and your left and right hemispheres were at war. Your synapses work as bridges connecting communities, but each time they misfire another village is destroyed. Your brain is at war with itself. There is no one to call, but… Your imaginary friends!
Cue:
Superhero style theme music combined with a visual montage of Phineas and Mrs. Palfrey dressed like FBI detectives who also wear capes.
ON-SCREEN GRAPHIC reads:
The Gab Bonesso Show
with Phineas (the shark) and Mrs. Palfrey (Claremont)
EPISODE ONE
Phineas and Mrs. Palfrey enter Gab’s childhood bedroom/studio apartment. Gab is laying in bed. She is under a blue blanket. She is wearing a robe covered in skulls and crossbones. She is also wearing her Boston Celtics Snuggie. She is wearing a trapper hat and sunglasses. She is not moving.
Phineas
Oh no. We’re too late. She’s dead. Again.
Mrs. Palfrey
She’s not dead. She’s catatonic.
Phineas
You’re right! She needs a gin and tonic!
Mrs. Palfrey
I said, “catatonic” you idiotic FISH! Although, while you’re being stupid go fetch grandmother one of those gin drinkies you just mentioned.
Phineas
I’m not your slave! Go get it yourself you old bag! You still owe me $30 from the bar last night. You have a drinking problem! Doesn’t she Gab?
(Phineas and Mrs. Palfrey look to Gab for an answer. They both remember that she might be dead.)
Mrs. Palfrey
We got to bury this corpse. Then you’ll get your money!
Phineas
She is not dead! She’s depressed. Don’t you know the difference by now?!!! When she wears too many blankets and puts that trapper hat on her head that means she’s down! She’s just like her Grandfather. He would sit in his living room with a blanket pulled up over his head and he’d wear a baseball cap over the goddamn blanket. It was his way of saying, “DON’T TALK OR LOOK AT ME!”. She got it from him.
Mrs. Palfrey
Her pap sounds familiar… I think we were lovers. Once.
Phineas
This is not about YOU, Sarah. We got to help Gab.
Mrs. Palfrey
Fine. She’s helped me more than anyone else in my life. She came to the Claremont and rescued me from all those old, seniors who smelled like pooh and canned green beans.
Phineas
Gab saved me too! I was being used as a “promotional tool” by a liquor company. I was really caught in that trap of being in bars every night and doing blow to keep up. I had a problem. Gab, man, she took me in. She got me sober. She and her Mom have given me a community and a chance at a better life.
Mrs. Palfrey
Well, the way I see it we have two options. We either have to become completely microscopic so that we can enter Gab’s brain through her ear canal and fight off the depression ourselves OR we can kill Gab, turn ourselves in for murder and she can die as a martyr.
Phineas
Dying as a martyr has been on her bucket list for a while now… But I would rather fight for her. The way she fights for us. We’re a team, the three of us. And if Gab is down then we’re all down. GODDAMMIT, call me Captain!
Mrs. Palfrey
Yes, Captain!
Phineas
Do you have the pills that make us microscopic?
Mrs. Palfrey
Better! I was on Ebay last week with Gab’s debit card and they were selling the galaxy glue that was used in the motion picture starring: Lily Tomlin called “The Incredible Shrinking Woman”. Anyway, it came in on Wednesday. I used it yesterday to enter your stomach. (chuckles) Vegan my ass! You ate a Big Mac from McDonald’s you liar!
Phineas
Captains aren’t on trial! I’m trying to shrink myself in order to enter my friend’s ear! Are you going to help the Captain or not?!!!
Mrs. Palfrey
Fine. Here’s the galaxy glue. You don’t need to use too much.
Phineas
Do I eat it?
Mrs. Palfrey
Did you pass second grade?
Phineas
No.
Mrs. Palfrey
Don’t eat it. Just get a little on your skin and then pass it to me.
(Phineas wipes it on his left fin while using his right fin. Sadly, he glues his fins together.)
Phineas
Help! Help! I glued my fins together!
(Mrs. Palfrey tries to separate his fins. Sadly, she gets both of her hands stuck to both of his fins at the exact same moment they both begin to shrink.)
Mrs. Palfrey
Oh, this is just great! Now we are shrunken conjoined twins for God’s sake! How in the Hell are we supposed to help Gab now?
Phineas
It will be fine. You know that documentary that Gab watches all the time about those conjoined twins? Well, they work together to drive a car and play softball and date a boy. I’m pretty sure we can handle fighting the evil thoughts in Gab’s brain while being conjoined. Plus, I’m a Captain. I can do anything!
Mrs. Palfrey
You couldn’t even put shrinking glue on your fins right, Captain…
Phineas
SILENCE! We are losing time. We must enter her ear canal at once.
(Phineas and Mrs. Palfrey attempt to enter Gab's ear canal while being shrunken and conjoined. Due to their conjoined-ness, upon entering Gab's ear canal they become stuck. Causing great pain in Gab's right ear.)
Gab
(screaming)
HELP!!!! I think there is a tick in my ear!
(Gab immediately grabs a pair of scissors as though she were about to jam them into her right ear.)
END SCENE
Male, British Voice-over Dude:
Stayed tuned for another episode of PLANET DEPRESSION! What will happen next week? Will Gab unintentionally kill a shrunken, conjoined Phineas and Palfrey because she believes that they are a tick? Does Gab really think jamming a pair of scissors into her ear is a good idea in any scenario? The answers to these questions and more will be revealed in:
Planet Depression Episode #2
(available online next week)
