On Tuesday morning Sarah Palfrey whispered to herself, “I’m going to quit drinking today” as she walked into the kitchen of the Bonesso home. Phineas was seated at the butcher’s block eating cocoa wheats and drinking coffee. Gab and Starr were in the living room decorating their newly murdered Christmas tree.
Sarah announced to the entire first floor of the house, “I have quit drinking”. Phineas ignored her statement for he was reading the paper and disinterested in Sarah’s lies. Gab and Starr also ignored her, but that was for a different reason.
On the Monday evening before the Tuesday morning when Sarah Palfrey decided to quit drinking, Sarah stole $50 from Starr’s purse. She borrowed/stole Gab’s new car. (Side note: Gab’s car is new to Gab, but it is not new in the sense that it is a 1993, light blue, Chevy station wagon.)
It was late Monday evening when both Starr and Gab discovered their shit might be missing. Starr was looking through her purse trying to find an antacid when she first noticed the missing $50. Gab’s suspicions began following a text message from Palfrey which simply read: “stole YO whip”.
Needless to say that both Gab and her mother were disappointed in Sarah’s thievery, but it was more than that this time.
Gab and Starr hate stealing. They also hate extreme temperatures and men who wear flip-flops. However in the case of Sarah Palfrey they were less concerned with the act of stealing and more concerned with why she was stealing in the first place.
On the Wednesday before the Monday before the Tuesday morning when Sarah Palfrey decided to quit drinking, Sarah received an invitation to join The Red Hat Society.
Gab’s reaction was violent. Phineas rolled his eyes. Starr reacted very similar to the way Mark Zuckerberg reacted when his friend Eduardo was accepted into the Phoenix in the motion picture: The Social Network. And by that I mean Starr started a multi-billion dollar internet company. (laughs hysterically) I kid. She reacted like a petulant school boy who can’t get a date.
Regardless, no one in the Bonesso home wanted Palfrey to join the Red Hat Society. It wasn’t that Gab, Phinny and Starr hated the red hat ladies. It was just that they hated societies which required membership. Why do you think Gab has never subscribed to National Geographic Magazine?
Sarah pretended to agree with her friends, but secretly she was thrilled to be invited. First of all, Sarah loves exclusivity. Why do you think she had that brief stint with the Nazis? Second of all, she is always rockin’ a red visor which is basically a red hat. Third of all, Palfrey loves an excuse to sit around and eat. Sarah Palfrey knew that despite the lies she was telling her friends; she would be a member of the Red Hat Society whether they liked it or not!
That’s why she the stole the money. And the car.
It turns out that a woman cannot join The Red Hat Society without being able to afford to go out to dinner. It’s basically the first test in joining. (cut to a scene where an old woman is wearing a hooded red cloak while holding a paddle and Sarah Palfrey is kneeling in front of her. The dialogue goes as follows:)
Red Hat Society Lady (wearing cloak)
(she hits Sarah with the paddle)
Do you have credit?
Sarah
(crying)
What?!!!
Red Hat Society Lady (wearing cloak)
(hits Sarah again with paddle)
Do you have a credit card?!
Sarah
(crying harder)
No. No. No!
Red Hat Society Lady (wearing cloak)
(hitting Sarah a third time)
Can you get one?
Sarah
(tears turning into rage)
YES!!!!
It was directly following her initiation meeting that she stole Starr’s money and Gab’s car. Sarah Palfrey was desperate and that was a feeling she never before had. I mean sure, Sarah slept with a homeless woman once but that was strictly for a game of truth or dare. Sarah Palfrey has always been a strong, confident woman who speaks her mind and shows her breasts. It’s who she is. Although now that she was suddenly faced with the pressures of Capitalism and society ladies, Sarah Palfrey felt desperate. So she lied to her friends. Stole money from Starr and illegally borrowed Gab’s car.
The Monday night following the Monday morning prior to Tuesday morning, Sarah Palfrey hit rock bottom.
At this point Sarah had lied, stolen, falsely borrowed a car and lied again to her friends. She returned home from Bravo (the location of Sarah’s first ever Red Hat Society event) and she was not feeling well. Sarah used the stolen $50 entirely on booze at Bravo. This not only resulted in one of the worst hangovers in the history of hangovers, but due to her extreme drinking, Sarah Palfrey was asked to leave The Red Hat Society after only belonging to them for one full day.
So on the Tuesday morning following the Monday night that Sarah Palfrey got so drunk that she was asked to never return to both Bravo or The Red Hat Society, Sarah Palfrey decided to quit drinking. She also wanted to proclaim that she would stop stealing and lying too, but alas. Old habits are hard to break.
Therefore on the Tuesday afternoon following the Tuesday morning that Sarah Palfrey decided to quit drinking, she cracked open a can of Coors Light while Starr made chili in the Bonesso kitchen. Sarah apologized to Starr for stealing the cash from her purse. Starr said nothing. Phineas and Gab were in the garage playing table tennis. Sarah could hear them laughing. She whispered, “I’m sorry” to her friends even though they weren’t in the room. She knew that Gab knew and that it would all be okay eventually. Finally Starr broke her silence and asked, “Do you want to try this and tell me if it needs more pepper”. Sarah smiled because she finally knew that eventually had arrived and everything was actually okay.
written by: Gab(rielle) Bonesso
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