NEXT SHOW: APRIL 9th @ The Cabaret Theater @ 10:30PM.
Greetings Crazies!!!!!
Somewhere between hours four and five of watching season one of NBC's hit show: Community, Phineas (the shark) turned to me and said, "I believe the producer of this show based the character of Abed on you".
Naturally, I started speaking like a Valley girl and said, "For real? Like, umm, you really think so? Like, O.M.G. that would be, like, SO flattering if that were true!"
Phineas and Mrs. Palfrey exchanged one of their glances. (Not the kind where I think they are both waiting for me to fall asleep so they can "do it", but the other one. The one where they think I talk like a Valley girl.)
Following "the glance", Mrs. Palfrey picked up a wooden ruler and smacked me across the right cheek.
She does that. A lot.
Phineas chortled, Palfrey dropped the wooden ruler and stormed out of our apartment*.
Two seconds later, Mom called from the first floor of the house. I knew it was Mom because I have a specific ring on my phone for her - The theme song to the Showtime series Dexter.
I answered the phone by singing the opening number "Good Morning" from the 1939 Busby Berkley classic: Babes in Arms starring Mickey Rooney and Judy Garland.
Mom applauded and then hung up the phone.
She immediately called back.
I hate it when my phone won't stop ringing. So naturally I answered like this, "WHAT NOW?!!!!".
Mom explained that she heard doors slamming, cheeks being slapped and wooden rulers falling to the ground. She wanted to make sure that everything was fine upstairs because if it wasn't she was going to call our Priest, Father Phil to perform another exorcism on me.
I explained to her that Phil is not a Priest but that he's a Psychiatrist, and that he does not perform "exorcisms". He performs lobotomies. Good ones too. He barely leaves a scar. Look at this patient:
Anyway, Mom had to get off of the phone because I needed her to fix my lunch. I needed an energy boost because I had to kick a shark's ass and beat an old lady (Mrs. Palfrey) with a wooden ruler.
(Shakes head.) And you bitches wonder what I do all day...
After my lunch of a dippy egg and french fries, I proceeded to take a hunting knife to Phineas' dorsal fin. Needless to say, that took the wind out of his... LIFE. He's dead. I killed him. Phineas is dead.
Moving on to Palfrey...
I was covered in shark blood, bile and plastic. I had been wounded (figuratively) and there was one more name on my list of death: Sarah Palfrey (from the Claremont).
I slithered down the stairs to the first floor of the house. I saw her grey haired head sitting in my dad's recliner chair directly in front of our not-flat-screen TV.
I was carrying a can of gasoline in one hand and a hot-glue gun in the other. Shiz was about to get epic.
I quietly snuck up behind Mrs. Palfey and poured the gasoline all over her head. Unfortunately, it wasn't gas. Big Brother Bob mis-labeled the can and it was full of oil. Suddenly, Mrs. Palfrey looked like those birdies in the Gulf and I became overwhelmed with grief for dead animals.
I started crying and singing "Moon River".
At this point, Phineas was sitting on our deck smoking a cigarette. He began to yell, "Stop singing that blasted song. You're no Audrey Hepburn and I'm most-definitely not that feygele George Peppard!"
I stepped back. I thought Phineas was dead. I killed him moments earlier. With my own hands.
How could he be smoking a cigarette and insulting me like nothing had happened?
I looked around the room. We were still upstairs. It was now hour six of watching Community.
Where was some evidence of truth?
I looked down at my robe and I saw a fresh stain from a dippy egg. I immediately grabbed the robe and stored it in a plastic bag a la Monica Lewinsky.
NO ONE IS GOING TO TELL ME THAT I DIDN'T SLEEP WITH THE PRESIDENT!
(Pause.)
I mean, no one is going to tell me that I didn't eat an egg and then kill Phineas.
In the meantime, I'm Abed Nadir reminding you:
"Don't poop where you eat!"
Thanks,
*Gab Bonesso does not live in an apartment. She lives in her childhood bedroom with both Phineas and Mrs. Palfrey and about 55 other inanimate creatures.
You can visit Gab on Facebook: HERE
You can follow Gab on Twitter: HERE
You can watch Gab on "the youtubes": HERE
