A Death Scene - Starring: Mrs Palfrey

Sarah's Story (A Tale About Mrs. Palfrey)

On Tuesday morning Sarah Palfrey whispered to herself, “I’m going to quit drinking today” as she walked into the kitchen of the Bonesso home. Phineas was seated at the butcher’s block eating cocoa wheats and drinking coffee. Gab and Starr were in the living room decorating their newly murdered Christmas tree.

Sarah announced to the entire first floor of the house, “I have quit drinking”. Phineas ignored her statement for he was reading the paper and disinterested in Sarah’s lies. Gab and Starr also ignored her, but that was for a different reason.

On the Monday evening before the Tuesday morning when Sarah Palfrey decided to quit drinking, Sarah stole $50 from Starr’s purse. She borrowed/stole Gab’s new car. (Side note: Gab’s car is new to Gab, but it is not new in the sense that it is a 1993, light blue, Chevy station wagon.)

It was late Monday evening when both Starr and Gab discovered their shit might be missing. Starr was looking through her purse trying to find an antacid when she first noticed the missing $50. Gab’s suspicions began following a text message from Palfrey which simply read: “stole YO whip”.

Needless to say that both Gab and her mother were disappointed in Sarah’s thievery, but it was more than that this time.

Gab and Starr hate stealing. They also hate extreme temperatures and men who wear flip-flops. However in the case of Sarah Palfrey they were less concerned with the act of stealing and more concerned with why she was stealing in the first place.

On the Wednesday before the Monday before the Tuesday morning when Sarah Palfrey decided to quit drinking, Sarah received an invitation to join The Red Hat Society.

Gab’s reaction was violent. Phineas rolled his eyes. Starr reacted very similar to the way Mark Zuckerberg reacted when his friend Eduardo was accepted into the Phoenix in the motion picture: The Social Network. And by that I mean Starr started a multi-billion dollar internet company. (laughs hysterically) I kid. She reacted like a petulant school boy who can’t get a date.

Regardless, no one in the Bonesso home wanted Palfrey to join the Red Hat Society. It wasn’t that Gab, Phinny and Starr hated the red hat ladies. It was just that they hated societies which required membership. Why do you think Gab has never subscribed to National Geographic Magazine?

Sarah pretended to agree with her friends, but secretly she was thrilled to be invited. First of all, Sarah loves exclusivity. Why do you think she had that brief stint with the Nazis? Second of all, she is always rockin’ a red visor which is basically a red hat. Third of all, Palfrey loves an excuse to sit around and eat. Sarah Palfrey knew that despite the lies she was telling her friends; she would be a member of the Red Hat Society whether they liked it or not!

That’s why she the stole the money. And the car.

It turns out that a woman cannot join The Red Hat Society without being able to afford to go out to dinner. It’s basically the first test in joining. (cut to a scene where an old woman is wearing a hooded red cloak while holding a paddle and Sarah Palfrey is kneeling in front of her. The dialogue goes as follows:)

Red Hat Society Lady (wearing cloak)

(she hits Sarah with the paddle)

Do you have credit?

Sarah

(crying)

What?!!!

Red Hat Society Lady (wearing cloak)

(hits Sarah again with paddle)

Do you have a credit card?!

Sarah

(crying harder)

No. No. No! 

Red Hat Society Lady (wearing cloak)

(hitting Sarah a third time)

Can you get one?

Sarah

(tears turning into rage)

YES!!!!

It was directly following her initiation meeting that she stole Starr’s money and Gab’s car. Sarah Palfrey was desperate and that was a feeling she never before had. I mean sure, Sarah slept with a homeless woman once but that was strictly for a game of truth or dare. Sarah Palfrey has always been a strong, confident woman who speaks her mind and shows her breasts. It’s who she is. Although now that she was suddenly faced with the pressures of Capitalism and society ladies, Sarah Palfrey felt desperate. So she lied to her friends. Stole money from Starr and illegally borrowed Gab’s car.

The Monday night following the Monday morning prior to Tuesday morning, Sarah Palfrey hit rock bottom.

At this point Sarah had lied, stolen, falsely borrowed a car and lied again to her friends. She returned home from Bravo (the location of Sarah’s first ever Red Hat Society event) and she was not feeling well. Sarah used the stolen $50 entirely on booze at Bravo. This not only resulted in one of the worst hangovers in the history of hangovers, but due to her extreme drinking, Sarah Palfrey was asked to leave The Red Hat Society after only belonging to them for one full day.

So on the Tuesday morning following the Monday night that Sarah Palfrey got so drunk that she was asked to never return to both Bravo or The Red Hat Society, Sarah Palfrey decided to quit drinking. She also wanted to proclaim that she would stop stealing and lying too, but alas. Old habits are hard to break.

Therefore on the Tuesday afternoon following the Tuesday morning that Sarah Palfrey decided to quit drinking, she cracked open a can of Coors Light while Starr made chili in the Bonesso kitchen. Sarah apologized to Starr for stealing the cash from her purse. Starr said nothing. Phineas and Gab were in the garage playing table tennis. Sarah could hear them laughing. She whispered, “I’m sorry” to her friends even though they weren’t in the room. She knew that Gab knew and that it would all be okay eventually. Finally Starr broke her silence and asked, “Do you want to try this and tell me if it needs more pepper”. Sarah smiled because she finally knew that eventually had arrived and everything was actually okay.

written by: Gab(rielle) Bonesso

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this is real. isn't it?

more footage from the worst show ever with the worst host filmed on the worst planet. this show is actually bad. do not watch.

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creating art is hard. creating bad art is even harder. here was our attempt at the worst talk show with the worst talk show host with the worst cast with the worst sketch on the worst planet.

we hope you don't enjoy it.

PLANET DEPRESSION Episode #1

Male, British Voice-over Dude:

Imagine if your brain were an entire universe unto itself and your left and right hemispheres were at war. Your synapses work as bridges connecting communities, but each time they misfire another village is destroyed. Your brain is at war with itself. There is no one to call, but… Your imaginary friends!

Cue: 

Superhero style theme music combined with a visual montage of Phineas and Mrs. Palfrey dressed like FBI detectives who also wear capes.

ON-SCREEN GRAPHIC reads:

The Gab Bonesso Show 

with Phineas (the shark) and Mrs. Palfrey (Claremont)

EPISODE ONE

Phineas and Mrs. Palfrey enter Gab’s childhood bedroom/studio apartment. Gab is laying in bed. She is under a blue blanket. She is wearing a robe covered in skulls and crossbones. She is also wearing her Boston Celtics Snuggie. She is wearing a trapper hat and sunglasses. She is not moving.

Phineas

Oh no. We’re too late. She’s dead. Again.

Mrs. Palfrey

She’s not dead. She’s catatonic.

Phineas

You’re right! She needs a gin and tonic!

Mrs. Palfrey

I said, “catatonic” you idiotic FISH! Although, while you’re being stupid go fetch grandmother one of those gin drinkies you just mentioned.

Phineas

I’m not your slave! Go get it yourself you old bag! You still owe me $30 from the bar last night. You have a drinking problem! Doesn’t she Gab?

(Phineas and Mrs. Palfrey look to Gab for an answer. They both remember that she might be dead.)

Mrs. Palfrey

We got to bury this corpse. Then you’ll get your money!

Phineas

She is not dead! She’s depressed. Don’t you know the difference by now?!!! When she wears too many blankets and puts that trapper hat on her head that means she’s down! She’s just like her Grandfather. He would sit in his living room with a blanket pulled up over his head and he’d wear a baseball cap over the goddamn blanket. It was his way of saying, “DON’T TALK OR LOOK AT ME!”. She got it from him. 

Mrs. Palfrey

Her pap sounds familiar… I think we were lovers. Once.

Phineas

This is not about YOU, Sarah. We got to help Gab. 

Mrs. Palfrey

Fine. She’s helped me more than anyone else in my life. She came to the Claremont and rescued me from all those old, seniors who smelled like pooh and canned green beans.

Phineas

Gab saved me too! I was being used as a “promotional tool” by a liquor company. I was really caught in that trap of being in bars every night and doing blow to keep up. I had a problem. Gab, man, she took me in. She got me sober. She and her Mom have given me a community and a chance at a better life.

Mrs. Palfrey

Well, the way I see it we have two options. We either have to become completely microscopic so that we can enter Gab’s brain through her ear canal and fight off the depression ourselves OR we can kill Gab, turn ourselves in for murder and she can die as a martyr.

Phineas

Dying as a martyr has been on her bucket list for a while now… But I would rather fight for her. The way she fights for us. We’re a team, the three of us. And if Gab is down then we’re all down. GODDAMMIT, call me Captain!

Mrs. Palfrey

Yes, Captain! 

Phineas

Do you have the pills that make us microscopic?

Mrs. Palfrey

Better! I was on Ebay last week with Gab’s debit card and they were selling the galaxy glue that was used in the motion picture starring: Lily Tomlin called “The Incredible Shrinking Woman”. Anyway, it came in on Wednesday. I used it yesterday to enter your stomach. (chuckles) Vegan my ass! You ate a Big Mac from McDonald’s you liar!

Phineas

Captains aren’t on trial! I’m trying to shrink myself in order to enter my friend’s ear! Are you going to help the Captain or not?!!!

Mrs. Palfrey

Fine. Here’s the galaxy glue. You don’t need to use too much.

Phineas

Do I eat it?

Mrs. Palfrey

Did you pass second grade?

Phineas

No.

Mrs. Palfrey

Don’t eat it. Just get a little on your skin and then pass it to me.

(Phineas wipes it on his left fin while using his right fin. Sadly, he glues his fins together.)

Phineas

Help! Help! I glued my fins together!

(Mrs. Palfrey tries to separate his fins. Sadly, she gets both of her hands stuck to both of his fins at the exact same moment they both begin to shrink.)

Mrs. Palfrey

Oh, this is just great! Now we are shrunken conjoined twins for God’s sake! How in the Hell are we supposed to help Gab now?

Phineas

It will be fine. You know that documentary that Gab watches all the time about those conjoined twins? Well, they work together to drive a car and play softball and date a boy. I’m pretty sure we can handle fighting the evil thoughts in Gab’s brain while being conjoined. Plus, I’m a Captain. I can do anything!

Mrs. Palfrey

You couldn’t even put shrinking glue on your fins right, Captain…

Phineas

SILENCE! We are losing time. We must enter her ear canal at once.

(Phineas and Mrs. Palfrey attempt to enter Gab's ear canal while being shrunken and conjoined. Due to their conjoined-ness, upon entering Gab's ear canal they become stuck. Causing great pain in Gab's right ear.)

Gab

(screaming)

HELP!!!! I think there is a tick in my ear!

(Gab immediately grabs a pair of scissors as though she were about to jam them into her right ear.)

END SCENE

Male, British Voice-over Dude:

Stayed tuned for another episode of PLANET DEPRESSION! What will happen next week? Will Gab unintentionally kill a shrunken, conjoined Phineas and Palfrey because she believes that they are a tick? Does Gab really think jamming a pair of scissors into her ear is a good idea in any scenario? The answers to these questions and more will be revealed in:

 Planet Depression Episode #2 

(available online next week)

A Scene From My Head (Reel) or (Real?) or (Both?)

Mini Anecdotes and a scene from a Play...

Ever since I was a small child I have difficulty in distinguishing the difference between reality and fantasy. 

I remember telling a story to my mother as a small child and her asking, “did that really happen, baby?”. I thought for a moment and responded with, “Actually, the more I think about it, it could be from a dream Mama”. 

As I got a little older I would confuse reality with fiction from books or movies. I remember once getting into an argument with my high school boyfriend only to realize that I was upset about something from a Woody Allen movie and not about something he had done. Also, this same BF, I imagined that he was of Jewish faith only to be extremely disappointed to find out that he was actually Lutheran. We broke up minutes after this discovery.

A few years back I was on vacation in Providence Rhode Island where I fell in love with this pizza place that made traditional Chicago-style pizza. Upon my return from this trip, I insisted that my mother make this style of pizza. Having never eaten it, my mother relied on my description to construct the pizza. I was convinced that it was a double crust filled with sausage. She looked for recipes online, but none of them explained this “double crust” of which I spoke. I insisted that I was right so mom went with my description rather than the recipe from Food Network’s website. After slaving all day cooking this pizza, I was sad to inform Mom that I must have imagined the “double crust” because this didn’t taste ANYTHING like Chicago-style.

Mom was irked. To say the least.

We made a deal that day to always, ALWAYS make sure that I am telling the real truth as opposed to the imagined truth.

So yesterday… This happened. I didn’t imagine it. It happened. And… It was… This:

Gab Shops (alone) At Giant Eagle 

Act One

Scene One

Gab is standing in a checkout line. She is the only customer but the cashier will not look at Gab nor scan her groceries. A young, female bagger enters the scene. She seems pissed.

Female Bagger

Nuh-uh. No! I’m NOT bagging for you ALL day. I’m a cashier. This is bull!

Male Cashier

I know, but what do you want me to do about it? There is no one working.

Female Bagger

This is nuts! They need to hire more people. 

Male Cashier

I saw an ad on Craig’s List about working here.

Female Bagger 

That’s stupid. They should just give us more hours. LaShranda needs hours, TeRoy needs hours, Sally had grandkids. Shit… they are working me like a dog, but hell if they give me full time!

Gab

I have an advantage card if anyone cares.

Male Cashier

They won’t promote any of us. They are looking from outside the company.

Female Bagger

You better wait on her. How you doing today, Miss?

Gab

Umm, I’ve been better.

Female Bagger

Honesty! HA!

Male Cashier

Is this your advantage card?

Gab

No, it’s my mom’s. Her name is Starla Bonesso.

Male Cashier

Your Mom is Star Jones?!!

Gab

No, my mom is Starla Bonesso.

Male Cashier

Oh, well, I only know one Star.

Gab

You know my mom?

Male Cashier

No, Starla Jones.

Gab

Oh. Star Jones’ real first name is Starla?

Male Cashier

No.

Gab

Oh, because my mom’s name is Starla.

Male Cashier

That’s not even her real name.

Gab

My mom?!! Yes, it is!

Male Cashier

No. Star Jones. It’s a fake name. Like Tiger Woods. Can you believe people think his name is really Tiger?

Gab

Oh, I thought that was his name. I mean, it makes sense. Tiger. I don’t know. What is his real name? Tigerra? Or something ethnic?

Male Cashier

Naw, naw. Nothing like that. His real name is actually REALLY gay.

Gab

For real? Is it like Tommy Tune or Vincent Minelli or Neil Patrick Harris or George Michaels or Elton John?

Male Cashier

Huh?

Gab

Well, you said that it was “gay” so I named a bunch of gay guy’s names.

Male Cashier

I meant weird when I said, “gay”.

Gab

Oh. My mistake. I don’t speak homophobia.

END SCENE.

END MALE CASHIER’S CAREER

END HATE TALK.

ONE.

HAPPY PRESIDENTS DAY

*inspired by Zooey Deschanel and Joseph Gordon-Levitt's New Year's Eve Video seen here: