College Reunion
By: Gab Bonesso, Phineas (the Shark) and Mrs. Palfrey (the Claremont)
Scene one: Gab’s bedroom. Gab is rushing around cleaning the room as though company is about to arrive. Mrs. Palfrey is laying in Gab’s bed naked reading a Martha Stewart Living Magazine from the 1990’s. Phineas is in the corner of the room seated at an imaginary card table. He is playing Texas Hold Em’ with Lady Gaga, Peter Falk and Gab’s father (who is a ghost).
MRS PALFREY
(to Gab)
What the Hell is your problem?
GAB
I don’t have a problem.
PHINEAS
Could you ladies shut your pie holes?!! Me and the boys are playin’ cards at my new card table.
GAB
What about Lady Gaga?
LADY GAGA
Who are you calling a lady?
(Gab walks over to Mrs. Palfrey and throws a robe over her face.)
GAB
Put that on. We have a guest coming.
PHINEAS
Aww, hell nah brah!
GAB
Oh. Hell yes. Brah...ther?
LADY GAGA
Who’s coming? I was not told anyone would be coming.
GAB
My guest is only the most important person to me from my four years in college.
MRS PALFREY
Oh, is it your college best friend Moira?
GAB
Nope.
PHINEAS
Is it your mentor Dr. Thornton?
GAB
Nope.
LADY GAGA
Oh… For piss sake. WHO? Who is coming over to this shitty, childhood bedroom that smells of nasal spray and toots?!!
GAB
Nelly!
LADY GAGA
Nelly who?
GAB
“Nelly who?” Phineas. KICK IT!
(Suddenly Phineas flips over his imaginary card table and reveals his imaginary DJ equipment. He pulls out Nelly’s “Hot in Here” on vinyl and drops a needle on that shiz. The song begins to play and Phineas, Mrs. Palfrey and Gab begin to dance a clearly, choreographed routine. When the song ends, Lady Gaga stands up. Tears dripping from the corners of her heavily made-up eyes streak down the foundation cake covering her naturally non-descriptive face. She applauds and then without reason jumps out of a second-story window. The lights fade.)
Scene Two: The left corner area of Gab’s bedroom. Phineas, Mrs. Palfrey, Gab and Nelly are all seated at a coffee table built for children or elves. They are all drinking imaginary green tea and eating real finger sandwiches. Gab’s mom just whipped up a batch of ham salad and smeared that shiz on crostinis. Nelly seems pissed.
MRS PALFREY
What’s with the frown, Mr. Nelly?
PHINEAS
It’s just Nelly, you old fool!
MRS PALFREY
Who are you calling old? I recall at your last birthday party Gab and I sticking over 400 birthday candles into your Morningstar tuna steak!
PHINEAS
Yeah, but shark years are different than characters from direct to video movie years. I’m like a five year old compared to your old, British, fictional ass!
GAB
(pulling at her shirt collar)
Yikes, Nelly. I don’t know about you but shiz is “getting hot in herrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre”. (there is an excruciating long, awkward pause. Gab clears her throat and asks.) More ham salad, Nelly?
(BLACKOUT)
Scene Three: Gab, Phineas and Mrs. Palfrey are backstage during Nelly’s performance at Madison Square Garden in NYC. Gab is wearing a Run DMC shirt, Mrs. Palfrey is wearing a trench coat and pearls (nothing more) and Phineas is wearing a bow tie. They are all awkwardly seated on a very small love-seat located in Nelly’s green room. There are other people in the green room. People much cooler and much more urban than Gab, Phineas and Mrs. Palfrey. A man called Leroy pulls out a water bong and begins to pass it around. Gab, unsure how to handle the situation, drops it on the ground so that it shatters into thousands and millions of pieces. Leroy yelps, runs over to the shattered glass and begins to scream.
LEROY
What the hell is your problem? That was Nelly’s favorite GD bong. He got that on his fifth honeymoon in Vegas. He’s going to kill you. How in the hell are you going to fix this?
GAB
(terrified and feeling very white)
It’s just that, umm, my mom doesn’t like us to be around drugs… (her voice begins to trail off because when she gets scared she mumbles).
LEROY
Your mom what?
GAB
(Gab speaks but it is inaudible. Like the grown-ups from Peanuts cartoons)
WAHWAHWAHWAHWAH.
(At this point, Phineas and Mrs. Palfrey both know what needs to be done. They look at one another and without missing a beat Phineas floats over and locks the green room door. He immediately presses his back dorsal fin against the closed door as though to block anyone from exiting. Mrs. Palfrey rips open her trench coat to reveal both the loveliest string of pearls around her neck and her duo of shotguns that she has now pulled out of her trench coat and is aiming them both at Leroy. Palfrey screams.)
MRS PALFREY
(quoting a line from the motion picture Pulp Fiction)
Don’t anybody move this is a robbery!
PHINEAS
No it aint! This is a mother-fucking drug bust! Get your hands, fins or whatever up before I fill you full of lead!
LEROY
(chuckling)
We’re supposed to believe that you losers are DEA?!!! Now that shit is funny.
(Gab who is still silently standing over shards of broken bong glass finally looks up and speaks to Leroy.)
GAB
No, we’re not DEA. We are DEAD.
LEROY
That spells dead, you idiot.
GAB
We know. (suddenly speaking in a child’s voice) We want you to join us, Leroy.
(At this point Phineas, Mrs. Palfrey and Gab start laughing in a weird, evil, hysterical sort of way. Then each of them points their guns at Leroy and within seconds, Leroy looks very similar to swiss cheese. The lights fade.)
Scene Four: Nelly is walking off of stage after delivering the performance of his career. His agent passes him in the hallway and screams, “This is going to be YOUR year!”. Nelly rounds the corner and opens the door to his green room. Leroy and a bunch of other men are scattered all over the room dead. Each one is filled with hundreds of bullet holes. Nelly looks around the room. He catches his reflection in a mirror. He lowers his eyes to his vanity. Seeing a box of Hello Kitty bandaids, he grabs it and opens the box. He pulls out the first bandaid and sticks it on his cheek.
NELLY
This one is for Leroy.
(He pulls out another bandaid and sticks it to his opposite cheek.)
NELLY
This one is for Herb.
(He pulls out another bandaid and sticks it to his nose.)
NELLY
This one is for Doktor 7.
(He continues to do this for all 17 corpses. By the end of this process, his entire face is covered in Hello Kitty bandaids. And for the first time in his life, he looks normal. BLACKOUT.)
THE END
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