Mrs. Palfrey Explains Ska!

On the eve of Christmas Eve in the 28th year of my life, I formed a punk/ska band. Not sure of what "ska" actually was, I consulted with my best friends: Phineas (the shark) and Mrs. Palfrey (of the Claremont).

Palfrey explained to me that "ska" was a music genre that originated in Jamaica in the late 1950's. She said that it was a precursor to "rocksteady".

"Rocksteady?!!! Shredder and Krang's henchman?" I asked with childlike awe.

Phineas slowly floated over to our player-piano and began to sing, "Won't You Come Home, Bill Bailey" as though we weren't discussing the history of ska.

Mrs. Palfrey whispered in my ear, "I feel sorry for that damn shark sometimes. I think he wishes he were a woman".

Then she proceeded to take an airline bottle of Sambuca out of her handbag, chug it and then throw it against the player-piano.

Phineas stopped singing.

In attempt to lighten the mood I asked, "Does anyone want to watch the movie: Boys Don't Cry?"

(silence)

At this point, Palfrey took a second mini-bottle of "buke" (as she calls it) out of her hand bag and chugged it until it was gone.

As she was finishing, I asked her if she would please recycle that bottle rather than throwing it against my great-great-great-great Uncle John Brown's player-piano.

She asked me, "What would John Brown do?" and then she ran out of my room with a sickle to go kill some skin heads.

(chuckling/shaking my head) That Mrs. Palfrey...

She's so silly!

I tried to tell her that no one looks good in a visor. No one.

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Tuesdays with Max Fischer on Monday

Friends, Pants and Zach Galifianakis.

During the fall of my 27th year, I was diagnosed "crazy". I don't want to get into the details, but have you ever seen the motion picture entitled: "The Crazies"? You have? Well, it's nothing like that shiz.

That same fall I met my two best friends in the entire World (who aren't my Mom, sister, brothers, gentlemen caller or Beth).

The first of the two friends is a cat named Phineas. He's not really a cat. He's a shark. But he's hep like a cat. Hence the earlier "cat" remark.

Anyway, Phineas happens to be an inflatable shark but please don't judge him. He's just like you or me or mom or Jaws. Except he's plastic. And he smells like plastic. And he hates jazz.

I met Phineas on a Sunday morning. I woke up from a lunesta stupor and Phineas was sound asleep on my red couch. Immediately, I grabbed a harpoon and attempted to stake him through the face. My sister, who had been out drinking the night prior, heard the commotion in my room and quickly entered. She informed me that she picked him up in a bar, but when he got back to our place he started to freak her out so she told him that he could crash on the couch.

She wasn't specific.

So he floated up to the couch in my room.

I don't think what he did to me that night can be considered a "date rape" because we never went out to dinner or anything like that.

My second best friend is a gal by the name of Sarah Palfrey. She's an old broad. She's British. She's also a fictional character played by actress Joan Plowright from a movie that went directly to DVD called: Mrs. Palfrey at the Claremont.

I don't know how it happened. One day, I'm watching the WE network and this movie comes on called: Mrs. Palfrey at the Claremont. So I watched it. Then it was on the next day. So I watched it again. Then the next and the next and so on and balderdash... I watched the movie every day for 11 days straight!

The next thing I know, I'm down at my pool swimming and playing with dive toys and who do I see? Mrs. Palfrey played by Joan Plowright! She was sitting on a pool chair drinking a mint julep bitching to me about the weather!

She hasn't left my side since.

So that's us.

We're kind of like that movie The Hangover. Except we're all the Zach Galifianakis character.

None of us like to wear pants.

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